Oh. The taste of my own words is bittersweet. But here I am, chowing down on them and enduring the feeling of swallowing my pride.
I was wrong.
Well, I’ve changed my mind on one thing anyway.
Oh, hey, by the way. It’s been a minute. A hot fucking minute. I’m not back, though. I’m just dropping by. Yes – I am still alive. No – I’m not pregnant. Yes – I still think about this blog. No – there’s no big reason why I went away for a bit.
Truth is…Im soaking up life at the moment. I’ve found myself in a real beautiful space that I don’t think I’ve inhabited before. Or, at least, I’ve not inhabited for a very long time. Comfort. Peace. Contentment. It’s around me always, right now. It’s not always within me but it’s there for me to take if I just breathe and let it in.
Its reminds me of a beautiful day I had once in my second year of University. It was a baking hot day – I mean, sweating thighs just sat down kinda heat. My Dad and Step – Mum had visited me for the day with my brother and they decided to go home at 4pm. I left them and turned for home when I realised…I didn’t want to go home. Not yet. The afternoon was still in her youth and, bear in mind, this was a time before smartphones had really kicked off. The era of Blackberry had just arrived and my student loan skint ass didn’t have one so I was unreachable. No one expected me back and I liked that feeling of being entirely unhinged. I stayed alone in the park, bathing in the sun, surrounded by families and children, absorbed in a book…alone. Oh, I see you introverts drooling and yes – it was bliss. I eventually returned home about 9pm slightly sunburnt but feeling like I’d had a holiday. I’d checked out and blissed out. Fuck everyone else. I’d taken time out for me for the first time in a long time. No essays. No reading. No social engagements. No texting. No phonecalls. It was the first lesson in taking time out for me…
And that’s how I feel now. This space I occupy in life has been like that. I’m just enjoying it. Soaking. Putting the year long lessons I’ve shared on here into action and just trying to be a decent human being.
So, I’ve not abandoned you. I’ve just checked out for a while, blissing out in this wonderful space. After my twenties have been filled with a lot of mental health challenges, this space is so sweet for my soul. Life is flowing and I’m going along with her, saying yes to all that she’s giving me, and just learning how to sow joy, compassion, and love everyday. She’s gently teaching me that I do indeed reap what I sow.
Listen – I love you and I care for you and I will be back. But, for now, peace out…
…oh, wait. I didn’t tell you what I’d changed my mind on, did I? Choosing joy. You can do that. I was wrong. You can choose to be happy if your mental health and physical health allow. You can choose joy if you’re brave enough. You can choose to smile and say good morning when you swallow your pride, realise that your wounds are scars now, and you don’t need to be afraid. You can choose joy when you’ve done the work to lay the right foundation in your life to let it grow. Because it is exactly that…if you want to reap joy, sow it. What you give out comes straight back to you. You choose joy, you feel joy, you receive joy. It might take a while to get the momentum going, it may be a minute until the Universe realises that you’ve raised your vibration so you’re able to vibe with others on the same level. But it will come. Keep choosing joy. That’s what I’m learning and soaking in right now. The simple choice of joy.
Love and light, you beautiful fuckers. I’ll be back soon.